I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
