i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
