....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
