I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
