I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
