come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
