my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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