mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
