Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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