Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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