My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
