Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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