battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
