My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
