I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
