I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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