you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
