You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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