You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
