Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
