oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
