Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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