If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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