She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
