He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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