I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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