Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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