I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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