Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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