I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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