I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
