Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
