The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Never joke about your clitoris.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
