I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
