I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
