i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
