my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
