What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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