Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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