I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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