good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
