I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
