my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Pooping to opera.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
