I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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