i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
