stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
