I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
