eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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