It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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