So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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